The Old is Gone, the New has come…

“what you complete is completely done..”

Beautiful song by Sovereign Grace.  You should go listen to it now!!

I have been traveling a ton lately, first vacation with the family (kids and all!!) and then I had a trip home to Florida by myself to see my family.  I was so looking forward to the trip alone.  Not because I wanted to get away from kids and husband, but to really be alone and enjoy the quiet presence of Jesus.  I had a total of 17 beautiful hours in the car with sunny skies, not a drop of rain and quiet.  Oh and not to mention I was going to see my Dad in Florida for the 2nd time since 1994!!! WOWZA!

The 8.5 hour drive there was amazing.  Listening to a ton of Louis Giglio, worshiping to awesome Bethel Music, having great conversations with the Lord and of course little dance parties to C & C Music Factory in between!  The Lord revealed a lot to me in that 8.5 hours.  So much, overwhelming, sweet and really uncomfortable too. My first stop is my Dad and his wife’s house on the beach.  I was not nervous at all, I was so excited to see them.  The last time I saw them was about a year before I got married. Let me remind you that when I moved to Florida in 1993 or 1994 that was the last time I saw my dad until I got in contact with him a year before my wedding in 2013. So kind of a big deal!!!  I spent about 2 days with them in St. Augustine.  It was great, hard and revealing all at the same time.  Ill get into the hard and revealing part some other time.

Then on to see my sister, mom, brother-in-law, the coolest niece and nephew and friends!!! I had a blast being with my niece and nephew.  They bring so much joy.  Children are a sweet picture of really being child-like and playful with the Lord.

It was time to leave after 7 days of missing my husband and remembering the past.

I left at 5:45am on Sunday morning.  I was ready to go home in my own bed, my husband and back to normal.  I was looking forward to another 8.5 hours with a sweet time with the Lord.  As I was driving out of Jacksonville I started to replay the life I use to have.  I was thinking about all the nights with no sleep, nights of pain, days of heartache, but also fun days I had.  Many days and nights of partying, drugs, sex and hurt.  I was thinking about how before I got married I would typically be driving home (TN) from Jacksonville with not much sleep, hungover from drinking or drugs, feeling crappy about myself.  Thinking why in the world amI still doing this crap when I go to FL.

This time leaving felt different.  Because, It WAS different. THANK YOU JESUS.

For 8 hours I was reminded of the horrible things I did to other people, the horrible things people did to me, the sleepless nights, the endless partying and no Jesus.  I was so heartbroken thinking about all those years without Him.  All the confusion and restlessness. I was a mess driving.  People driving by were probably thinking that I was crazy.  I was talking really loud (no one was in the car), crying uncontrollably and then laughing and singing.  I looked like a lunatic.

But……..All that crazy mess, I was rejoicing with the Lord.  I was praising Him for the beautiful mess I was and still am.  I was thanking Him for being such a gentleman when I was running.

You see, our God is a God of compassion.  Our God is a God of redemption.  Our God is a God of second chances. Our God is a God of peace.  Our God is a God of restoration.  Our God is a God of reconciliation.  Our God is LOVE.

I ran my mess for many many years and that drive was the first drive alone I was completely free.  I was reminded of how big our God is.  I was reminded that I am forgiven.  I was reminded that there is a plan for me.  I was reminded that He will use my story.  I was remind that He makes all things for my good.

Thank you JESUS!!!  More chains were broken, more healing happened and I was closer to Him in those moments that I have felt in a long time.

There is always a part of me that is scared to tell my story, the whole story.  I am always nervous of the gasps, looks and wide-eyed reactions (which I get often) when I tell my whole story.  Its a vulnerable place to be in front of a large group or small group of girls and women sharing all of you.

Since 2009 I have always known I was called to share my story.  I was always ready and willing but I never really knew the depth of His love for me until that drive.  I always knew He loved me but as I was driving I was replaying MY WHOLE PAST, and blown away in amazement and shock that the man who died on the cross, the man who gave His life for me, the man who rose from the grave, the man who knows my intimate thoughts is in love with ME!!!! He is the best Abba Father.

Since 2009 He has been perusing me, loving me, letting me fall and run, felt deep compassion for me and with me.

Before I got home I was having a conversation about me not really thinking that I should be teaching young girls and how I probably heard him wrong in 2009!!!  He spoke such sweet words to be before I arrived to my husband.

He said “I just want you to share our Love Story”

Got it!  Done! I can do that!  I love our love story.  Its the best!

I will always struggle, I will always fall, I will always have moment of not believing He really loves me.  But deep down in my core….I know know know know He and I have this Love story and I will always be blown away and I will always share!

I encourage you to share your story.  Share your Love Story.  Your worth it.  You matter.  Your story matters.

“The Old has gone, the new has come, what you complete is completely done….”

Listen to this song…..rejoice with Him!  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a2Z3Jefn-GY

IMG_1147

You have a Love Story.  Share it!

Alexa:)

Advertisements

Mommy Day

This day used to KILL me.  I hated the church service where they ask all the mothers to stand up so they can recognize them.  I never stood up.  I wanted to scream

“What about the mothers who have babies in heaven?”

Mothers day has always been such a depressing, lonely and annoying day for me.  It was always hard to watch the Moms being celebrated.  Not because I didn’t want them to feel loved it was my own selfish hurt and pain. I have had my two abortions and I was always reminded by the enemy of the gut wrenching pain of that on Mothers Days.

I finally came to a sweet spot with Jesus about Mothers Day.  He reminded me that I AM A MOMMY.  He reminded me how loved I am by my littles in heaven. He reminded me that I am and will always be a Mom.  I had my two abortions years ago and it turned Mothers Day into a terrible lie and reminder that I was not a Mom.  Not only was I not a Mom, He tricked me into believing that I will never be a Mom.  I remember feeling like no one understands.

The lie was broken a couple years ago when my sweet husband celebrated mothers day with me.  He recognized that my two babies were mine and they are in heaven and I AM A MOM!!!!!!

It was a beautiful and painful all at the same time on that Mothers Day in 2012.

I am now a proud step-mom to the most amazing kids alive!  I am redeemed and am still reminded by my sweet Jesus that my babies are dancing with Him and I cannot wait to see them one day.

fam

If you are reading this and you have babies here on earth, babies in heaven or do not have little ones yet……CELEBRATE Mothers Day!  We are born to be Mommy’s.  You already are a Mommy!  Enjoy the day, celebrate with your loved ones and remember if your church recognizes Moms and wants moms to stand up…STAND UP!!!!! I will stand with you!

sam and i

Praying for all Mommy’s this weekend, mommy’s with babies in heaven, Moms with babies on earth and Moms that don’t have their babies yet.  I pray that you feel deeply loved first by Jesus and you enjoy your Sunday of rest and love.

I know the pain, I know the loneliness, I know the anger.  I am with you.  Mothers Day is hard.  This Mothers Day I am choosing to celebrate.  I am choosing to celebrate being a crazy fun Step-mom, a Mom to babies in heaven, Mom to my earthly children that are coming one day and loving all the Moms out there.

Choose life.  Choose Joy.  Choose Peace. Your not alone.

He will redeem.  He will break the chains.  He will make all things new.

Happy Mommy Day to my Mommy’s out there.

Love

Alexa

family

Love note

Just a love note…

I am watching over you continually. No matter what you are experiencing it how alone you feel, trust that I am with you- well aware of your circumstances. When you are in the throes of adversity, it is easy to feel abandoned. So it is crucial at such times to tell yourself truth. NOTHING can separate you from my loving presence. When this truth has sunk deeply into our min and heart, you are ready to commune with Me. You will find Me tenderly present with you as I enter into your suffering. The intimacy you share with me is enhanced by adversity when you invite Me into your experience without bitterness or resentment. To enjoy these intimate moments with Me, you much trust Me- refusing to rely on your own understanding. Trusting Me involves consciously leaning on Me for support, just as leaning on a massive rock helps you keep standing when you are weary. I am indeed The Rock of Your Refuge. 

Love Jesus

Rejoice in the One who supports you so strongly and loves you so tenderly. 

  

Life is Short 

I was sitting in Thompson Cancer Center for an appointment and it was the most beautiful and saddest moments of my life. I was already nervous about the appointment thinking about all the outcomes that could happen after this appointment. If I’m being really honest I was really more concerned about myself than anything or anyone else. (I’ll talk about that later!)

When I first arrived I checked in, gave my info, looked around, thought about stuff, filled out paperwork then I sat down with nothing to do besides embrace and be in the moment. 

I finally looked around and stopped thinking about me, me and more of me, I felt deep pain for the women, teenagers and men sitting with me. 

I sat back and listened in on some of the conversations  everyone was having. Some patients were just there to get blood work done, some where there to meet with their doctor and the others that were there were supporting the patient.

 I looked over at one women who had no hair and she had two of her friends with her.  I listen in on her conversation and my thought was (I bet she is so sad, sad about her hair (I would be!), sad that she has cancer, sad that she’s here). BOY, was I wrong! She was full of joy and hope and love.

I listened into a couple more conversations and it was all “normal” talking. Nothing depressing. Nothing about cancer, just everyday life!

That day changed me forever. I went to my appointment and thought “whatever the results were I choose life and joy!”

I was very disappointed in myself, embarrassed that I care so much about my hair, the way I look and what others think of me. 

I look up to those brave and courageous people. I want more of what they have. Which I know is strange Bc I am healthy as the world sees us. But in reality they are more healthy than I am right now!

Daily they choose

Life, joy, peace, hope, no drama, no gossip and they hold on to the promises. 

I don’t choose this daily.  I want to but my life gets hard and I want to quit. I know it’s a poor excuse but I am being brutally honest. 

I left the appointment in awe of The Lord. 

This world is so broken, life hands you poop sometimes and even cancer but if we choose life and Jesus then it looks very  different. It looks like HOPE. 

We are only here on earth for a moment. I want my moment to be amazing and I want my moment to be what and how He wants me to be and do!!

In pain, hurt, disease and sadness- CHOOSE JESUS!! He is the healer, He is the great physician, He gives life!! Open your hands and receive the living water that He has for you. 

Stop complaining, moping, being bitter about the past or present- open your hands and receive the real love and truth. 

 

Love Ya

Alexa 🙂

Live Love Hope 

To LIVE in the world is hard to not watch the media of what they tell us how yo look, talk, act and even walk is so difficult. We belong to Him. He tells us who we really are. ASK HIM!!! Ask Him what He thinks about you. (I would love to hear the stories of how He responds!)

To LOVE in this world when There is hate, crime and injustice is gut wrenching. What would it look like to just love with no agenda or expectation?  Love WINS every time. 

 To have and to give HOPE. Dream BIG. Be hopeful. There’s more. Ask for more. Be extravagant  in what you ask for. Ask for more than the box you have put Him in!! 

 

He is ALIVE 

I woke up this morning thinking about Easter coming up. I am not ready. What I mean by I am not ready is that my heart isn’t in a place of really remembering and being present of what Easter is all about.  I think each of our lives are so busy and crazy. We have soccer practice, work, driving kids to and from everywhere, cooking, cleaning and so on. We forget what our mission is. We forget that we only exist for Him. We forget that He died for us. We forget that He rose from the grave Bc He loves us that much. We forget so much. I desire to be in a place of true and authentic love for Him. As we go into Good Friday and Easter I pray that we all take time to sit and be still to remember why we are here.  I am reminded that our mission is daily. Our mission is in our home. Our mission is to serve Him and GO into the world and Love with no expectation. thankful for His life. Thankful for the grave, Thankful that The grave could not hold him down!!   Praying for more. In need of grace and mercy.   

 

Grace and “Getting Saved”

GRACE.  A strong and powerful word.  GRACE. A word that is used too flippantly.  What do we know about grace? What is Getting Saved Mean?

We are told by church, friends, leaders or whoever that if you want to receive Jesus in to your heart and have eternal life then you pray a prayer.  What is that???!!!

When I got saved and prayed the prayer,  I was in 8th grade I had my sweet friend Kelly with me.  She was my middle school leader, her husband was the middle school pastor.  We spent so much time together.  She would tell me all about this Jesus and how He loves me.  I still remember not really buying into this Jesus thing.  This went on for almost 2 years.

I dont remember what changed in my mind or heart but something did.  Kelly and I were at TCBY in Ponte Vedra and something came over me, very overwhelming sense of peace, joy and a little scared.  I told her I was ready.  I am sure if you asked her she probably would tell you she was so pumped!!!  She lead me through the prayer of accepting Jesus into my heart.  Something changed in the heavens, a transaction happened, and my heart WAS changed forever.  I still remember Kelly telling me about this new life I would have.  She NEVER told me it was going to be easy.  I fact she would always tell me, This is the hardest but sweetest journey you’ll ever be on.  I never believed her!

I did change the next year, but not for the good.  I changed for the worse.  So here’s the short version of my summer going into my 9th grade year.

I moved to a different county, which meant I was going to a different high school than all my friends.  I was alone, lost and scared.  I went on a path that was hard, scary, fun at times and dark.  I was always looking for attention in anything and everything.  I was a liar, a cheater and a fake and I was a leader, terrible friend and a promiscuous girl.  I went on to 10 years of drugs, drinking, lying, sex, hurting others, 2 pregnancies that ended in abortions and a list of people that hurt me and a longer list of people who I hurt.

That day at TCBY it was REAL.  It was a real transaction.  Kelly did not give me a neatly package gospel, she was always honest about the hard moments and sweet moments.  She never lied to me about this journey.  Its not JUST a prayer.  Its a new life.

After my 10 years of running away

I was tired,

worn out

and ready to give up.

I have never felt real Grace until 2009……

Grace is lying in your mess of junk and you feel loved, Grace is confessing your abortions before the Lord and having an overwhelming sense of love.  Grace is having a friend for 19 years NEVER giving up Hope.  Grace is lying in your bed scared about tomorrow and a rush of wind comes over you and you feel love. Grace is knowing that your sweet Jesus was with you during all your time running away from Him.  Grace is realizing He never left you, you left Him and you are still loved.

IMG_3351

Grace is LOVE. God is Love. God is Grace.

Dont settle for cheap grace.  Get the real deal!

This call to follow Him is heavier than prayer.

Being saved is leaving everything and following Jesus.

He wants your heart.

He wants ALL of you, not just some of you.

I remember lying in bed many nights, crying out to this God who so graciously welcomed me back into his Kingdom and thinking, Why? How is this possible?  I would hear the still small voice saying,

  “because you are mine, you have always been mine”

Thank you Jesus for GRACE.  Remind me everyday how much I am nothing without you.

I was made BRAND NEW!!!

“Go and sell all your possessions and give the money to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”- Mark 10:21

Examine your heart.  Are you going to church and saying your prayers and really not giving all to Him? Are you worshiping on Sundays and Mondays you are back to the old?

I want more, I am asking for more of Him.  I don’t want cheap grace.  I want to live fully in Him.

Love you

Alexa:)